I'm getting this down on tape so you can't forget it. So I can't forget everything I've ever wanted to say since then. I can almost feel my bones crack now, the jagged pieces of my broken heart spink their razor sharp webs around my body. Cutting me deep and leaving scars to remind me of it.
I hate you. And I can't stop loving you.
Sometimes my brain doesn't connect with my memory, and I want so bad to be back in your strong arms. Locked in a morning embrace that would last for hours. Atop a bed of hotel sheets and keeping each other warm.
The color was pale. Pale, pale hue of skin. Radiating a heat that struck me as a little odd. A beauty that inbedded itself in my brain. Burned there for what seems like forever. I'll never forget that night I spent with you. Tangled in stiff sheets that we didn't pay attention to. The way you moved was both serpentine and poetic. Like a verse falling from the lips of a master. You knew what you were doing.
I love you for making me feel real again. For snapping me out of my miserable dream world and replacing my razorblade with your lips. You found a pulse drumming inside my veins that I dind't even know existed. I thought I was drained from all of that. Just a machine doing what it was told.
But then you held me. And pressed your lips right into my temple. Feeling my blood rush over your lips from beneath my skin. And I loved you then. Feeling whole and like you were the missing piece I'd been searching for all along. I couldn't ignore it, and before long I needed you more than my next breath.
I needed you to wrap those arms around my ribcage and press me into you. To melt away everything by just touching my skin. Making me forget if only by giving me something better to remember.
I was on the floor. In the bathroom. Bleeding all over myself and choking on my tears. Waiting for too long to feel faint. Waiting to slip away like I had planned. It wasn't coming quickly enough despite the blood flowing freely from my self-inflected wound.
It was like you just appeared. Out of nowhere and nothing. But at one moment you weren't there and in the next I could feel you above me. Your t-shirt clung to your ribs and your eyes looked desperate. Painful to look at.
You fell onto your knees and I heard them crack against the floor. I stared at you with my mouth open. Wondering what it was that brought you to me, but not caring enough to ask. I knew as soon as I collasped against your chest that I would be ok.
I thought your scent was the only air I could breath. That your skin was the only thing warm I'd ever feel. And I was write. My only mistake was thinking that you felt the same way. Thinking that every feeling coursing through my veins ran through yours as well. But you always were quite the illusionist weren't you, Shavo?
You fucked me over so beautifully I couldn't even see it until it was over.
I wanted to kill myself so badly that night. When I saw you through a deliberately opened door. You wanted me to see you, I know you did. You saved me just so you could rip me down to a place lower than I've ever been. Lower than slit wrists on a cold bathroom floor. You made me feel like I didn't even exist to you.
I was drawn to your room by the sound of her screaming your name. The door was wide open, and she was straddle on you. As I've been many times. You looked over at me like you knew I'd be there. And you smiled. You smiled as you ripped my heart out and I started to cry.
It's stupid but I still love you. And the only way I can think to solve it is to erase my memory completely. I can't hurt if I'm dead. You can't hurt me if I'm not breathing in your hypnosis anymore. My eyes won't sting with tears every time I see you.
Listen closely now, Shavo. Listen as I choke down a bullet to get away from you. Maybe you'll regret what you did to me if you listen close enough. Or maybe this is what you wanted all along.